The Disney Delusion

All right, I'm aware I pawned that title. And I give that author, whoever he is, credit for it. (The original title is 'The Dawkins Delusion')

But...it's still relevant.


Who's watched anything by Disney before? And by 'anything' I mean those 2-D fairy tale stuffs. I want a show of hands.
All you who didn't raise your hands are either liars, ashamed, or have very wise parents.

Awwww, Disney. That cute, dreamy industry where 'dreams come true'. 'Follow your heart', 'true love' and all that...stuff.
And you know what? Ten years later from my first exposure I've had plenty of dreams crushed, my heart's led me over countless cliffs, and true love only stabs you in the back.
Thanks a LOT, Disney.

Seriously, whoever thought this would be a good thing for kids? It's POISONOUS, YOU HEAR ME??
Don't believe me? Here's a good list of solid information Disney taught me.

-You'll always get the guy/girl of your dreams

-He/she will be incredibly hot, like, unreal (see what I did there...)

-If your parents disapprove, haha who cares?

-Follow your heart, it leads to goodies

-Kissing is perfectly fine for any romantic relationship

-Act first, consider the consequences later

-The good guys always win (and you're always the good guy)

-Belieeeeve and it will happen (Believe it!)

(Disclaimer: that was a general listing, now I'm going to get a little more movie-specific)

-Uncles and aunts are usually plotting to annex your position (Cinderella, Lion King)

-Women in active duty is totally fine (Mulan)

-To be a man you must be perfect (also Mulan)

-History books are wroooong (Pocahontas, Prince of Egypt, El Dorado)

-Parents just don't understand (Little Mermaid)

-Old people are either incredibly stupid or incredibly smart, no in between (Aladdin)


Aaand there's a lot more, but I just don't care to keep elaborating. You better have gotten the picture by now. And I think it's time we started realizing just how stupid, poisonous, and inaccurate Disney is.
YEAH, I'M GOING TO KILL YOUR CHILDHOOD. I'M GONNA FLUSH IT DOWN THE TOILET LIKE THE PIECE OF...IT WAS.
With Disney, anyway.

FREAKIN' DIE, DISNEY. YOU STOLE MY CHILDHOOD, MY CONSCIENCE, AND NOW STAR WARS TO BOOT!
GET LOST!

It's a bird, It's a plane...

NananNAnanNANaNaNANANananaNAanaNana meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I have done a list of my favorite books/series, now here's a few of my favorite characters. From books or otherwise.
In no particular order.

-Annabeth, from the Percy Jackson and the Olympians Series
She's bold, she's brave, she's obsessed with engineering and pretty on top of that. What more could a guy need?

-Hei, from Darker than Black
Chinese electric ninja batman. Says it all.

-Aragorn, from Lord of the Rings
Much as some people may fangirl over that girly elf, this bro's as manly as manly can get. His pure manliness crushes any that stupid elf has.

-Aslan, from the Chronicles of Narnia
He's not a tame lion.

-Halt, from the Ranger's Apprentice Series
He combines Aragorn's manliness with Legolas's skill with the bow. *opens hands* Beat it.

-Tony Stark, from...well, Tony Stark movies
Somehow, this hotshot manages to steal the show every time. "Doth mother know you weareth her drapes?"

-Tosen, from, well, one of my (unfinished) books
Cool, calm, and definitely OP, he's one of the best side character's I've ever come up with.

-Byakuya Kuchki, from Bleach
Also cool and calm and OP, he's the only person I've ever seen to make pink a manly color. Scatter, Senbonsakura Kageyoshi.

-Itachi Uchiha, from Naruto
A tragic past, secret mission, and an unfazed attitude makes him easily one of the best characters ever.

-Rider, from Fate/Zero
Bro, hey bro! We bros, eh bro? Brobro!

-Maximus Aurelius, from Gladiator
"ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED??"

Aaand that's all I can call to mind. If you have one you're dying to share, tell me. And remember this is MY OPINION, so don't start arguing with me like those idiots on youtube do. Signing off.

Ghostly Guardian - Review

Hey, all.

If you haven't read 'Ghostly Guardian' then feel free to check it out here.


Right, okay, need something new to read...oh, what's this? 'Ghostly Guardian'? Sounds intriguing...let's have a read.

--ten minutes later--

That was the stupidest thing I have ever read. What a piece of...

Okay, so there's this girl. Her name is Mariel. What a blatant rip off of Redwall.
She's got white hair.
And she's seventeen years old.
And she sees and hears things.

What is this?

OH, OH, I was wrong. She's actually being stalked by a ninja who claims he's been bound to her for some vaguely/unexplained reason.
Ha ha, yeah, right.
Totally.

He likes watching her sleep. Where have I heard this before? Hum....
TWILIGHT!

*Cough* *hack*

Apparently this ninja can also fly and predict the future. Surrealistic Deus Ex Machina detected. Beep beep beep beep!
So, Mariel knew this guy before? And he knew her too? But something wiped her memories?

She's thinking...oh NO WAIT STAAAHP!
.........
She fainted.

Oooh, creepy voice. Weird place. Nobody around. This must be a Justin Beiber concert!
Oh wait no, it's just her psyche. Ah, disappointment.

Mysterious monster gets defeated by ninja who managed to make his way into her mind and is wounded and she refuses to accept her memories of him because...?
WHAT IS THIS PILE OF, Of, of....
No seriously, what did I just read?

Okay okay, all joking aside, yes I wrote this. After posting/making it public, several girls told me they loved it.

All righty then.

You see, I wrote this story directly after I read Twilight. Twilight is the stupidest thing I ever read, but for kicks, I decided to make a rip-off version. 'Ghostly Guardian' is what I came up with.
Now I did have other intentions, but my main reason for writing this story was an experiment. Having seen the success of the Twilight genre, I knew exactly what elements made the series popular. Many girls I know don't like it because they are alert and aware of the bait that the conniving Stephanie Meyers hangs out there, but if they happened to read something that didn't have the label 'Twilight' on it, yet contained the selfsame elements, what would happen?

Well, this happened.
And now you know just how stupid this story is.

PSYCH!

Thanks for the Memories

Copyright: I just broke it.

Borrowed! Borrowed without permission.

Yes.

Anyways.


How many of you are avid readers? Don't you just love to stick your nose in a new, exciting book?

I do. It's my personal bliss. Recently, I picked up a new fantasy book in the first time since...a while. Yeah, sure, I'd read a few Star Wars books recently, but Star Wars is a bit different. I'm kind of a Star Wars geek, in that I could almost tell you what happened before the Clone Wars, in between the actual trilogies, and afterwards, in chronological order.
Almost. I'm not that far gone.

You know that feeling you get when reading a good book? You're sucked in, entranced, following the characters as if in third person view...it's an exciting and intoxicating feeling. I admit, I haven't had that feeling in quite a while, ever since I finished the Ranger's Apprentice Series by John Flannagan. Flinnegan. Flennigan. However you spell it.

I just got that feeling back, and for those of you who'd like to know, the title of the book is 'Beyonder'. It's a series, and so far I'm hooked. Check it out.

But I'd also like to extend a hand of appreciation to all those old writers who have written such epics as Lord of the Rings (J.R.R. Tolkien), Narnia (C.S. Lewis), and even the Illiad and Odyssey (Homer). Their amazing works will forever stand in the annals of book history as some of the best ever written. They were truly 'epics'. Thanks for the memories your books have left me, guys.

All the great series I've read have really inspired me to want to write my own. And I'm trying, even now. If you want some good books to read, here's a few besides those mentioned above:

-Percy Jackson and the Olympians

-Alex Rider

-Fablehaven

-Gatekeepers (at least I think that's what it's called)

-Young Samurai (Way of the Warrior, Way of the Sword, etc.)

-Artemis Fowl

-Redwall (little more kid-oriented I suppose, but still awesome)

-Tales of Prydain (by Lloyd Alexander...I'm not sure if I got the series right or not. The main protagonist's name is Taran, and some of the books are Taran the Wanderer, the High King, yada yada)

-The Kane Chronicles (I think...? By Rick Riordan, who also authored the Percy Jackson series)

And there's probably more, but I can't think of any at the moment. Check the above out, and enjoy!

Junky

Maybe some of you know I'm a bit of an adrenaline junky.

I mean, a little bit.

Anyway, I got somewhat bored and decided to dash off a pure action sequence that has not moral point whatsoever.

Rated T for...you'll just have to find out, won't you.

You little rebel I like you.


A POINTLESS SHORT:

Arkh glanced at his black, thick-banded watch. “He's late.”

His companion, a tall woman dressed in a black jumpsuit with a trench coat flung over it, scoffed. “He's always late. That's his style.”

“Awful style. Who invented it?”

“The Spanish.”

 

Arkh planted his boots on the shiny finish of the wooden table in front of him. He yawned and pulled his hood further over his head. “Well, let me know when he gets here.”

A deep voice replied with a mellow laugh. “How quaint.”

Arkh pushed back the hood just enough to see who was addressing him. It was a rather old-looking man, with gray-white hair and short beard. His eyes scrutinized Arkh and his companion with sharp interest.

“Done starin'?”

Suddenly he noticed that the man's eyes were intensely focused on his boots, which were still on the table. He prudently planted them back on the floor. The old man's eyes ran over his costume, a loose-fitting black button-down shirt, combined with black tactical pants and an overcoat much like his partner's.

“I assume I have the pleasure of meeting the legendary Asseshin?”

Arkh chomped on a cigar, reaching up with his lighter and drawing a deep puff of smoke. “You have the pleasure, indeed. Since you're not dead, I assume you're giving us a contract.”

“Indeed. Have you heard of Daniel Serif?”

“Big-shot weapons dealer, yeah?”

The old man smiled and nodded. “He is your next target. You'll find him here.” He tossed them a piece of paper. Arkh caught it between his finger and thumb, looking curiously at it. Written on it was a pair of coordinates.

“The western seaboard?” Asked his female partner.

“A private island, probably. His own personal little fortress.”

“He must be paranoid.”

“Try wealthy and big-time.” said the old man. “And not to be trifled with.”

“We don't trifle.” replied Arkh's companion.

“Sev, plug this in the GPS.” He tossed her the piece of paper. 'Sev' caught it and slipped it into her pocket.

“Your reward is ten million.” The old man said.

“And when we're done, how do we find you?”

“Ask for Kurama.”

Arkh sputtered on his cigar, coughing on the sudden large inhalation of smoke. “That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.”

“Why?” Sev asked.

“It's a Naruto reference. Naruto is for wimps.”

“And how come you know it's a Naruto reference?”

Arkh stuck his cigar back in his mouth. “Irrelevant.”

The old man waved a hand. “Dismissed. You have forty-eight hours to complete the contract.”

Two hours later, they were floating ten miles off of a very small island. According to the maps, it didn't exist.

Arkh decided to believe what he saw.

“Serif is paranoid, whether that old codger says it or not.” Sev muttered. “Nobody has this much security. Not even the president.”

“The president doesn't deal in illegal trading.” Arkh replied. He paused and frowned. “Wait, yes he does. Never mind.” He walked over to a small chest in their boat and pulled out a .44 Magnum revolver, the barrel of which was as long as his forearm. “Would you like to knock, or shall I?”

The security monitor glanced at the 5-mile radius of the radar screen and yawned. This was a boring job; at least it paid well. He pulled out his iPhone and started playing fruit ninja. While he was occupied with his intense game, he didn't notice a little blip appear on the eastern side of the radar, heading straight for the fortress. Very, very fast.

Overlooking the main docking port of the fort, the guard in his tower sipped a cup of coffee. He wondered what his mom would be cooking for breakfast – he'd be on leave after his shift finished. A nice breakfast of eggs and poptarts would be a welcome change to the bland barracks food they received.

His thoughts were cut short by an enormous explosion. The gate to the docking bay vanished in a ball of flame and smoke, shaking the ground. The guard started, spilling the hot coffee over his uniform. He scrambled for his binoculars and stared through the magnifying lenses at the scene. As the smoke cleared the alarms in the base triggered, sounding a high-pitched wail over the island. The guard spotted movement and turned his binoculars out to sea. A white crest of waves hailed the approach of a light, small motorboat, approaching at high speed.

“East tower to command, east tower to command, perimeter breach, hostiles-” The guard was abruptly cut off by a loud crack, followed by a .44 caliber bullet punching through his radio and into his throat. The rest of the transmission was a gurgle.

Arkh tilted his revolver and blew off the top dramatically, despite no smoke issuing from the fired cartridge. “Nice work, Sev.”

“Only the biggest booms for you, boss.” Replied her tinny-sounding voice in his earpiece.

“Hallelujah, amen, you are dismissed.” Arkh made the sign of the cross in front of him. “We commend your souls to Artherius. Blessings of the Eight Divines be upon you.”

“Is that a Skyrim reference? Lame.”

“What's that I hear? Sounds like a paycut.” Arkh muttered into his throat mike.

“Hmm? Oh, I didn't say anything.”

“Mhm.”

Arkh strode into the base through the still-smoking remains of the gate, his trench coat billowing about his legs dramatically. He wore sunglasses under his hood, which any normal person would have thought ridiculous at night: but on the other side of the lenses was a heads-up display with a full layout of the fortress, along with night-vision capabilities and a targeting crosshair linked to his .44 Magnum.

“Sev, you've got the big shot. I'll draw the rest of the guys.”

“Sure thing, boss.”

The captain was no newbie at his business. He'd served as a mercenary in plenty of different places and had commanded and lost plenty men before. This was no different.

Well, it was a little different. The number of assailants seemed ludicrously small, and the only ones spotted had been that boat – only big enough for maybe two or three people – and one person who'd walked right through the gate, which until thirty seconds ago had been high-grade military steel, designed to resist even an airstrike. What did they hit us with, a nuke? He shouted out orders as he ran through the barracks, scrambling men into position. Whatever. If it's only them, there shouldn't be a problem. As his squad advanced in skirmish position, his lieutenant ran up and handed him a sensor screen.

“We're only detecting one of them, sir. He seems to be by himself – radar shows no other incoming.”

The captain stared at the screen in disbelief, shaking his head. “This is extremely strange.”

“He took out the guard in the east tower, sir, and so far-” The lieutenant stopped. The captain's eyes widened.

The blip that had been the intruder...had vanished.

“Impossible.” He muttered. “There's no jamming device on the planet that could stop our sensors.”

“Of course not,” a jaunty voice answered him. “That wouldn't be any fun, would it?”

Surprised, the captain turned around. What he saw froze him in shock.

All around him, his squad was down, on the ground. The lieutenant hadn't merely stopped speaking – his neck was broken and he himself was facedown on the ground behind the captain. Leaning against a rock nearby was Arkh, his wide grin directed at the captain.

“Wha–how–” the captain stuttered.

“Let me explain, for the benefit of yourself and our readers.” Arkh held up his large pistol and examined it. “Kaboom. Your sensor screen did not deceive you; I just happen to be in possession of a very singular mutation that cuts off the part of the brain monitoring muscle restraint. Therefore, my full physical ability is always being utilized, allowing me to run faster, hit harder, and do many things other humans cannot.”

“But-”

Arkh cocked the hammer of his revolver. “Exposition over. Sweet dreams.” He leveled his gun and fired.

Sev directed the motorboat around the island, glancing every once in a while at the cloaking device's countdown sequence. The boat possessed a very rare and high-tech processor that mimicked ocean patterns, broadcasting them to any radar or satellite images; thus rendering the boat invisible to electronic detection. Unfortunately it used up a lot of juice, and could only be used for about an hour before it had to recharge.

Serif had definitely been notified of their presence by now; he was probably running like a scared rabbit to his private jet. That was her job to take care of, while Arkh drew the security's attention.

As the thought vanished, she heard a dull rumble of engines. Ah, here we are. The small luxury four-seater soared over the walls of the island fort, heading west. Sev picked up the Stinger missile launcher next to her and aimed, smiling through the circular sights at the fleeing plane.

Arkh blurred and vanished as a grenade thoomped into his previous position. The unfortunate soldier who had launched it felt a hard crack across the back of his neck and died instantly, a slightly confused expression on his features.

The snapping sound of the man's spinal cord was followed by a large flash of light, a corresponding boom resounding throughout the island. Arkh looked up in time to see the flaming remains of Serif's plane fall from the sky, smashing into the water.

He blew dramatically on his pistol muzzle and turned to walk away.

“Mission accomplished, Boss.”

“I saw.” Arkh took out a cigar and chomped on it, lighting the tip and drawing a long puff.

A soldier jumped out of a rock to Arkh's left and fired – but Arkh's form suddenly wasn't there, and then he was beside the guard, his hand clamped around the man's pistol. He squeezed once and let go.

The soldier stared in disbelief at the mangled metal that had been his gun barrel. He looked up at Arkh, his eyes wide.

“Wh – what are you?” He asked, his voice trembling.

“Complicated.” Arkh muttered through his cigar. He turned and strolled off.

“You're just full of quotes, aren't you Boss?” Sev's voice rang in his ear.

“Yeah, shut it and pick me up.”

“I'm considering it...”

“What's that I hear? Sounds like a paycut.”

“ETA two minutes, sir.”

“Mhm.”

As they sped away from the island, Sev glanced at Arkh, who was casually cleaning his Magnum.

“What next, boss?”

Arkh paused and flipped the remains of his cigar overboard. “Another joint.”

“No, I mean, what's our next target?”

“Does it matter?”

“No, but-”

“That's need-to-know information.”

She rolled her eyes. “And I don't need to know?”

Arkh gave her a blank stare. “Have I ever given you a reason not to trust me?”

“Well, there was that one time-” She stopped. “That was another quote, wasn't it.”

“Take what you can.”

Sev sighed. “Give nothing back.”

CAUTION: SENSITIVE MATERIAL CONTAINED

Yo.

Wassup.

Not much, you?

Shut up and go away, Reaper. I was asking my readers.

Precious is an idiot. Precious has no readers.

I said. Shut up. And go away.

.........................................

is he gone?

Right. Very loud post title, huh? Well, that's because we're going to be talking about some serious stuff here.
Bad stories.
I'm going to take several stories I hate (because we all know, if I don't like something it's bad) and give them summarized up in a few sentences so you don't have to go through the torture of reading them.
Aren't I so generous?

Frankenstein (nope, not sorry Mrs. Maupin)
Who's this guy that washed up on my ship? Oh, heavens! HE SPEAKS! Hi, I'm Frankenstein, also known as Colossal Idiot. I got obsessed with a stupid theory and created a monster who I then forsook and got mad at because I ignored it then ignored it some more and got even more mad at because I ignored it some more and then it killed my wife and I shall chase it until I freeze, and good riddance. The end.

Pride and Prejudice
Must get married must get married must get married must get married must...AAAAAH! Stupid girls, stupid girls everywhere! Stuck-up arrogant guy! Kind of an awesome girl! She brings him down and they fall in love! Still a better love story than Twilight! THE END.

The Scarlet Letter
EVIL WOMAN! MUST BE BANISHED WITH WEIRD LETTER ON CHEST! Sad, sad, sad. Must win Guinness World Record for Total Depression. Pastor who seems good is actually culprit. But they were in wuuuv! WHO CARES. MUST DIE. (still a better love story than Twilight) Annoyingly long descriptions, annoyingly annoying kid...weird ending.

Ivanhoe (I didn't totally hate this one)
GRASS! Oh heavenly sweet grass grass grass oh grass tell me your secrets...grass you are divine and so awesome...TREES! Oh sweet sweet trees how great thou art and lofty and high and...LEAVES! Oh leaves that grow on TREES and fall and are brown and green and red and yellow and...PLOT! Wait, what? Go away! More descriptions! The end.

Twilight
Stupid idiot of a girl falls in love with a sparkly effeminate vampire and manages to make a whole series.
...WAT.

And there you go. These descriptions are accurate. Don't believe me?
Well.
THAT'S TOO BAD.
Guess you'll have to endure them yourself. Muhahaha....