Here's a few....ahem, of my favorite quotes.
Smile: if you can’t lift the corners,
let the middle sag.
Unknown Unknown
Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice
doggie’ until you can find a rock.
Will Rogers
Three can keep a secret, if two of them
are dead.
Benjamin Franklin
Beer is proof that God loves us and
wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin
To err is human, to arr is pirate.
The National Rifle Association says,
‘Guns don’t kill people. People do’. But I think the gun helps.
Eddie Izzard
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT
TO ME NOW!
Seen it all, done it all, can’t
remember most of it.
Unknown
9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of
10 doctors is an idiot.
Unknown
An optimist will tell you the glass is
half-full; the pessimist, half-empty; and the engineer will tell you
the glass is twice the size it needs to be.
Anonymous
Pardon my driving, I’m reloading
Grant me the serenity to accept the
things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed because they
were annoying.
Unknown
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in
his shoes. After that who cares?… He`s a mile away and you’ve got
his shoes!
Billy Connolly
Much can be achieved with a smile.
Admittedly, much additional can be achieved with a smile and a gun.
Unknown
If one studies too zealously, one
easily loses his pants.
Albert Einstein
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a
fruit. Wisdom is not putting one in a fruit salad.
Unknown
I’m not as think as you drunk I am.
Mega Jones
I refuse to answer that question on the
grounds that I don’t know the answer.
Douglas Adams
I am in no shape to exercise.
My wife says I never listen to her. At
least I think that’s what she said.
Unknown
An original idea? That can’t be too
hard. The library must be full of them.
Stephen Fry
He may look like an idiot and talk like
an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Groucho Marx
Television — a medium. So called
because it is neither rare nor well done.
The wife’s Mother said, “When
you’re dead, I’ll dance on your grave.” I said: “Good, I’m
being buried at sea.”
Les Dawson
He who laughs last didn’t get the
joke.
Unknown
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood
to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
Unknown
When people ask me if I have any spare
change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.
Nick Arnette
It’s always darkest before the dawn.
So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s
the time to do it.
Unknown
Lead me not unto temptation; I can find
the way myself.
Smile today, tomorrow could be worse.
“I'll have a Vodka.”
“Sir, this is McDonald's.”
“Oh, sorry, a McVodka then.”
