Since the villain vows were so well done, I thought I'd try and compose some 'hero vows'. This is only part 1. There's more to come! If you have ideas, email me. Enjoy.
-I will have no qualms about killing. If I save countless lives by taking one, I will do so without hesitation and without mercy.
-I will not be merciful to the villain and give him a second chance, as villains have a habit of lying and betraying. I will shoot first and forgive later.
-If I decide to pretend to
become evil to deceive the villain, I will go to whatever means
necessary to convince him. If it means killing my girlfriend, then
so be it. My rugged looks will certainly attract another one.
-When the villain is at my mercy, I will not toss off a one-liner or gloat in any form. Only a second rate hunter licks his lips over the prey.
-If a bumbling alchemist or talkative wench tries to join my circle of companions, I will reject their offer. Such idiots get in the way and are far to obvious to be comic relief.
-I will not be daunted should my first attempt to kill the villain fail. Instead, I will prepare more thoroughly for the second try.
-Should I be forced to fight my turned-evil battle brother in a deathmatch over lava, I will not leave him to burn alive. Instead, I will chop off his head and then leave him to burn.
-If the villain or his/her consort tries to seduce me, I will not play along for plot's sake. Rather, I will smile at them and then blow their head off. Scratch that, I'll blow their head off and then smile at their corpse.
-Moral justifications can be sorted through after the villain is dead, not before.
-If the villain kills a relative of mine in the early stages of my childhood, I will not spend all my life seeking revenge. Instead, I'll pursue a normal career and leave revenge as a hobby.
-Should the villain turn out to be a handsome devil, I will take any opportunity to mar his good looks, thus preventing and/or reducing the chance of him seducing my girlfriend.
-If my attempts fail, and my girlfriend is seduced, I will regard her as lost and move along with my plan to foil the villain, not remain in debilitating shock over the matter.
-If the villain is rushing along a narrow corridor that I am unfamiliar with, I will not run after him recklessly. I will use caution, especially when approaching doorways and corners that could conceal traps, minions, or the villain himself.
-I will not entertain the hope that a loved one who has betrayed me multiple times will redeem his or herself. Nor will I ask for their assistance in a life or death plan at destroying the villain's superweapon. Such adventures usually end with me taking a knife in a vital spot.
-Should a person of African-American origin join my circle of companions, I will not use them for vital missions, as they are doomed to die, and should they do so at an inopportune time it would be most inconvenient.
-I will learn humility at the beginning of my life, not in the middle of my attempt to destroy the villain.
-I will not fall for the villain's breathtakingly beautiful daughter. Should she fall for me, of course, she's welcome to replace my current girlfriend who's a whining, nagging annoyance.
-I will not wear a suit that uses bright and outstanding colors, such as red, white, or blue. I will instead opt for the much more practical military camouflage.
-I will not underestimate the usefulness of small pistols. They usually turn out to pack quite a punch.
-Should the villain tell me he's my long-lost father or other relative, I will not blatantly reject his statement. Instead, I will gladly embrace him and bury a dagger in his back.
-I will not give the villain a sporting chance. Sporting chances are for sissies. Plus, he's the villain.
-I will not offer the villain his Miranda rights. I will destroy him and read the rights to his ashes.
-If the villain is holding one of my friends captive, I will give him the choice of letting my friend go and living or keeping him captive, in which case I will nuke them both. If he chooses the former, I will mete out justice anyway.
-If or when I capture the villain, I will offer them the truth-or-lie dilemma. Should they have already been aware of the conundrum and respond correctly, I will have them shot by a firing squad and then roasted over an open fire.
-When the villain is at my mercy, I will not toss off a one-liner or gloat in any form. Only a second rate hunter licks his lips over the prey.
-If a bumbling alchemist or talkative wench tries to join my circle of companions, I will reject their offer. Such idiots get in the way and are far to obvious to be comic relief.
-I will not be daunted should my first attempt to kill the villain fail. Instead, I will prepare more thoroughly for the second try.
-Should I be forced to fight my turned-evil battle brother in a deathmatch over lava, I will not leave him to burn alive. Instead, I will chop off his head and then leave him to burn.
-If the villain or his/her consort tries to seduce me, I will not play along for plot's sake. Rather, I will smile at them and then blow their head off. Scratch that, I'll blow their head off and then smile at their corpse.
-Moral justifications can be sorted through after the villain is dead, not before.
-If the villain kills a relative of mine in the early stages of my childhood, I will not spend all my life seeking revenge. Instead, I'll pursue a normal career and leave revenge as a hobby.
-Should the villain turn out to be a handsome devil, I will take any opportunity to mar his good looks, thus preventing and/or reducing the chance of him seducing my girlfriend.
-If my attempts fail, and my girlfriend is seduced, I will regard her as lost and move along with my plan to foil the villain, not remain in debilitating shock over the matter.
-If the villain is rushing along a narrow corridor that I am unfamiliar with, I will not run after him recklessly. I will use caution, especially when approaching doorways and corners that could conceal traps, minions, or the villain himself.
-I will not entertain the hope that a loved one who has betrayed me multiple times will redeem his or herself. Nor will I ask for their assistance in a life or death plan at destroying the villain's superweapon. Such adventures usually end with me taking a knife in a vital spot.
-Should a person of African-American origin join my circle of companions, I will not use them for vital missions, as they are doomed to die, and should they do so at an inopportune time it would be most inconvenient.
-I will learn humility at the beginning of my life, not in the middle of my attempt to destroy the villain.
-I will not fall for the villain's breathtakingly beautiful daughter. Should she fall for me, of course, she's welcome to replace my current girlfriend who's a whining, nagging annoyance.
-I will not wear a suit that uses bright and outstanding colors, such as red, white, or blue. I will instead opt for the much more practical military camouflage.
-I will not underestimate the usefulness of small pistols. They usually turn out to pack quite a punch.
-Should the villain tell me he's my long-lost father or other relative, I will not blatantly reject his statement. Instead, I will gladly embrace him and bury a dagger in his back.
-I will not give the villain a sporting chance. Sporting chances are for sissies. Plus, he's the villain.
-I will not offer the villain his Miranda rights. I will destroy him and read the rights to his ashes.
-If the villain is holding one of my friends captive, I will give him the choice of letting my friend go and living or keeping him captive, in which case I will nuke them both. If he chooses the former, I will mete out justice anyway.
-If or when I capture the villain, I will offer them the truth-or-lie dilemma. Should they have already been aware of the conundrum and respond correctly, I will have them shot by a firing squad and then roasted over an open fire.
"Moral justifications can be sorted through after the villain is dead, not before."
ReplyDeleteThese were clever, insightful, and downright hysterical. You, my friend, are going places.